turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
