Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Let's paint friendship bongs
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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