so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Your topless pictures make me question reality
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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