If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
