I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
