so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
soo... how was my night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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