my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
