well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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