Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
