His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Send help, water and tortillas.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
