I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
