my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
