Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
