Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
