I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
