WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
