put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
