Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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