I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
