if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.