Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm at about main and main street
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up