god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
