Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
