I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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