Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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