i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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