Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
