is your mom at the bar?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
