I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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