my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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