I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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