Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
