Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
