its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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