Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
