Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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