Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
