and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
