A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
