a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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