I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
