Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
