I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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