God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
