my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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