I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
