I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
