I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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