so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
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I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We have started to decorate penises.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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