Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice