I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.