I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
