I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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