There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
