On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
