When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize