I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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