he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
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It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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