Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
