my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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