Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
