I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
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I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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