dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
