I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Send help, water and tortillas.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
